17 Dec Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski – Book Review

I recently picked up Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, and wow, did it give me a lot to think about. I remember back in uni, my friends and I would have these late-night chats, trying to decode the mysteries of our own desires and bodies. This book felt like one of those enlightening conversations but backed by solid science and a generous dose of empathy.

About the Author

Emily Nagoski isn’t just any author; she’s a seasoned sex educator with a Ph.D. in Health Behavior and a master’s in Counseling from Indiana University. Her journey into sex education started in 1995 when she was a peer health educator at the University of Delaware, teaching undergraduates about stress, nutrition, physical activity, and, most importantly, sex. That early work lit a fire in her, leading her to positions at The Kinsey Institute and eventually Smith College, where she became Director of Wellness Education and taught women’s sexuality.

Beyond Come As You Are, Emily co-authored Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle with her twin sister, Amelia. That book, like this one, focuses on themes that affect women’s lives in big, often unseen ways—this time, stress and how we process it. Emily has made a career of blending approachable storytelling with rigorous science, and it’s easy to see why she’s so sought after as a speaker and educator. She cares deeply about women’s well-being—sexual and emotional—and it comes through in everything she writes.

What’s It About?

Come As You Are dives into the science of women’s sexuality, challenging myths and offering real, evidence-based insights. One of the biggest takeaways is Emily’s explanation of the “dual control model” of desire—how we’re all wired with an accelerator (things that turn us on) and brakes (things that shut desire down). She uses this metaphor to help readers understand that context matters—a lot—and that stress, shame, or even minor distractions can hit the brakes faster than you’d expect.

Another standout topic is arousal non-concordance, where your body might respond one way (hello, biology) while your brain feels something entirely different. It’s one of those ideas that seems obvious once you hear it, but Emily really dives into why understanding this disconnect is so important—especially for women, who are often told their bodies “should” act a certain way.

And then there’s her biggest, most empowering point: there’s no such thing as “normal” when it comes to sexuality. Every person’s wiring is different, and that’s okay. Emily encourages readers to explore and accept their own unique responses without guilt or judgment.

What This Chick Thinks

Reading Come As You Are felt like having a conversation with the most compassionate, whip-smart friend. Emily’s tone is warm, encouraging, and free of judgment. She takes subjects that are often cloaked in shame and misunderstanding—desire, arousal, what “counts” as normal—and turns them into something you can talk about openly and comfortably.

I especially loved her focus on how much context affects desire. There’s a part where she talks about how stress and unresolved emotions are the biggest brakes for most women, and I had one of those aha moments. It made me think about how easily life’s chaos has overshadowed intimacy at times. Understanding that desire isn’t a “switch” you can just flip on felt so validating.

That said, parts of the book were a little dense. Emily is incredibly smart, and sometimes the science gets technical. I’m someone who appreciates a well-researched argument, but there were sections where I had to slow down and reread to keep up. Still, her occasional humor and stories kept it from feeling like a dry textbook.

I also appreciated how inclusive the book is. It’s clear Emily wants all women—regardless of background, orientation, or experience—to feel seen here. There’s no “one size fits all” solution, and she never pretends there is.

Final Thoughts

Come As You Are is an empowering, thoughtful exploration of women’s sexuality that balances science with empathy. Emily Nagoski manages to make complex ideas accessible without oversimplifying, and she writes with the kind of warmth that makes you feel safe. It’s the kind of book I wish had been around years ago.

Score: 8/10